1) Stare at a wall
Did I stutter? I said stare at a wall. “She doesn’t like the idea?” Well, you’re supposed to be a man, and call the shots. Now… go plop a chair down, preferably inches away from a bare wall, (leg room is nice, but not necessary) and start watching. Extra points if it’s a all perpendicular to hardwood floors, and you only have one chair. And you’re sitting in it when you invite your lady into the room.
This is especially helpful on a first date. Simply explain, this is how you “evaluate your future wife“, because “marriage is a lot like us staring at this wall – painfully boring, but we will be experiencing it together“. I used quotes in that previous sentence as that is exactly what you need to say. Don’t falter, stammer, or laugh. I am being dead serious.
Go on to explain (and this is a big one), “…if you can’t handle this, then you can’t be my wife“.
Staring starts at an early age.
This shows a few things.
First, you’re realistic, you understand that married life will be boring, that sex will be rare, and ANY escape from your rotten children – even staring at a wall that you wish you could bash your skull into – is better than being alone.
Second, it shows you aren’t afraid of commitment. By being upfront, that you are looking for someone to share the rest of your life with – right now! – this lets her know that you aren’t clingy or desperate, simply looking for “something more.” This communicates (in woman speak) your supreme value and she will instantly fall in love with you and your bare ass wall.
Third, it shows you’re in tune with the universe. If you can stare at a wall for 3 hours, in broad daylight no less, you are either mentally retarded, or have elevated your consciousness to a higher level.
Did I mention you should insist that both of you drape yourselves in cheese cloth?
2) Be Masturbating When She Arrives
This one is a little more complicated, but sure to land you a second date and sex (or at the very least an attempted restraining order – more on that later). You hit it off with your first encounter with your chica… you met at a bar, at a coffee shop, at the library, or a martial arts dojo (don’t diss it until you’ve tried it), but you want to spice things up for your real first date.
Here’s what I recommend:
Tell her you have some ideas for a date, “this or that“, just make something up, but say ultimately, “I want to surprise you. So come on over to my place, and we’ll leave for ‘the surprise’. That way I won’t have to be waiting around for you…” You see what we just did there? we prepped her for the surprise, illustrated that we’re mysterious (she’s wondering just WHAT you have in store) and you’re laying down the law… the man law. You and your penis will NOT wait for her.
Next prep your home or condo by putting on a spooky halloween mood music CD. Although many women claim they “hate scary movies” this is a lie. They especially love the mood music. Let’s face it, it really does makes any situation scarier.
And your surprise involves scaring them.
15 – 20 minutes before they arrive squirt a handful of ketchup into your fist and smear the door frame with a bloody hand mark. Additionally, make sure your door is cracked open just a little bit, that way, when they knock, like every good episode of Law and Order, their pounding fists will slightly push the door ajar allowing them to better hear the spooky music inside – sparking a reaction in their pre-frontal cortex – preparing them for sex (see this involves science so you know it’s got to be right).
A guy that can sew is cooler than wrecked UPS trucks any day of the week.
Make sure your computer is setup so that everyone that walks through your front door can see your computer monitor. Also make sure that you are visible while sitting. In front of the monitor. Exact position is up to you. I prefer to have my back to the door. Next get a stuffed animal (and/or afgan blanket) and a sewing kit. Put on the craziest porn you can find, and full screen it. Turn up the music so it’s just slightly softer than the Halloween mood music.
In the next few minutes make sure to be feverishly sewing the shit out of the stuffed animal or blanket. From behind it will look like masturbating. When she opens the door, her mind will quickly connect the dots, the fake blood hand smear, the dark foreboding music, the pornography and screams of sex, and from behind your sewing will look like masturbating. As she fearfully asks you “what are you doing” (her eyes moving quickly between you, the monitor, and “blood”) you’ll quickly spin around to reveal you’re “only sewing.”
She’ll either jump in your lap hot, wet, and ready, or run away screaming and attempt to file a restraining order (if this should happen… remember she CAME TO YOUR DOOR).
3) The Tampon Castle
This one is a little complicated, expensive, and will take some time, but once you’ve cast this spell she’ll have no choice but to marry you and cater to your every need for every waking moment of the rest of your lives (I say waking, because we can’t control their dreams).
After a few dates you know if it’s getting serious or not. And, if you want to continue, I highly recommend the following. Call her up on Monday or Tuesday and make plans for the two of you to “go to the beach on Saturday.” ”I’ll have a bottle of wine, some snacks (or if you’re really brave say “hor dourves”) and a little surprise for you… my pumpkin schnickle.” Substitute whatever pet name you’ve given her of course (if you haven’t given each other pet names I highly recommend pumpkin schnickle).
Now get to work…
Buy the wine, heat the hor dourves, and purchase a few dozen boxes of tampons. Go to the beach a few days before the event and create what can only be described as a sand castle, except instead of sand, use tampons. Make it large, construct it in the shape of her favorite animal or pet hospital, be creative. Do this at night, as you don’t want other fellows to stumble upon your idea and either a) use it for their own dates, or 2) steal the idea entirely. Once complete make sure to cover the whole thing in a powerful horse glue, cover with a tarp (for protection against wind and other elements) and finally cover the whole thing in crime scene tape.
Guys and tampons always make a great combo for everyone to enjoy.
Go on your date as planned, setup shop right next to the big mountain of love, cover her eyes and remove the tarp.
This communicates a few things… first you have patience, and can keep secrets. Sure you wanted to tell her you built a castle out of tampons, but you didn’t – you had enough foresight and self control to abstain. Second, it shows that you are efficient and “get” women. You’re not afraid to go all out, purchase tampons, and understand that women bleed monthly down below.
Good luck my friends.
4) Cry Non-Stop
This isn’t a whole date idea as much as a tool to use on a date.
Disclaimer, this should NOT be used on a second or non-first dates as if there is a bond created it will not work as well.
Want to know why Dawson got all the ladies? Dawson can cry like a mofo.
On to the technique/date idea. Simply put… cry non stop. If you don’t have the ability to well up your eyes at will, squirt some hot sauce in your eyes (keep a packet in your pocket) or cut onions like there’s no tomorrow in your apartment. There is nothing more sexy than a man who not only can cry… but CAN’T STOP CRYING… the world is beautifully tragic and you love every minute of it, but can’t comprehend the depths of your emotions.
5) Take The Kids Out
This one is pretty long term, with a lot of prep, but once you’ve gone through the motions of setting it up, you’ll be able to easily repeat.
Step #1
First, join big brothers big sisters. It’s a great organization doing meaningful work. If you’re reading manwhole, you’ll be a great candidate for a big brother or big sister and mentor. Pat yourself on the back.
Next, develop a deep, meaningful relationship with your lil’ bro, or lil’ sis, primarily structured around your unique sense of humor (or is it my sense of humor…). They will have to be able to get a joke, or at the very least, keep a secret, although I’m not sure you’ll want to phrase the next steps to them that way.
Step #2
With kid step done, find a woman (make sure you are NOT with your kid when you find her). We’re looking for women that care about kids, but really any woman will do.
Step #3
Appear really normal on your first date. Again, no children at this point, just you and her. Try one of the other date ideas on this list, or just get a cup of coffee to “make sure she’s not crazy.” It’s low key 
nothing too fancy (like bass fishing). The goal of this date is to make her want more… which you’ll definitely be giving her.
Step #4
Buy a wheelchair (you’ll see why in a moment).
Hanging with kids in wheelchairs is cool.
Step #5
Park date! Yup… it’s time for the big day take your lil’ bro and new woman to the park. Don’t explain anything, why you have a kid in tow, why you’re verbally berating them, or why “you never mentioned him before.” Again keep the mystery element going. Nothing is more attractive to a woman than a guy with a kid… especially one in a wheel chair that popped up out of nowhere. (The next few actions work best in a park with hills, but if you don’t have one no big deal).
An hour or so into the date have the kid say something to the affect of “My lips are parched I desperately need water, why do you always forget to water me!”
“Not another fucking tantrum,” you reply! “I wish your fucking legs worked so you could get your own damned water! I release you into His arms…”
At that precise moment - preferably done at the top of a hill – shove the child’s wheel chair as hard as possible away from the two of you (giving you some very needed alone time). It will come to a crashing halt at the bottom, the wheels of the chair hitting a rock and the child spilling out from it faceplanting the ground. Run over apologizing, crying (see last date idea) and pick him or her up. At this point he/she will force ably push you away screaming… “Father you saved my legs! I can walk.”
To recap here’s why this is great:
- You care for kids
- You know when to lay down the law and set boundaries
- And… you have super powers (can make a previously paralyzed child walk)
- You’re goal oriented (look at how much preparation this took…)
