READ THE ORIGINAL HERE – http://www.manwhole.com/5-strong-sexy-women/

The original title was: Hotties With Shotties, Top 5 Women We’d Love to Kick Our Ass, because honestly, what guy hasn’t fantasized about being beat up by a movie star and tortured for sex?

But we ain’t giving it up! (well… maybe… if you play your cards right and slow it down with the groping and dog tongue)

Below is a list of the hottest women we could think of that are either pure evil, or totally good, but completely gorgeous and strong, and we mean zombie killing strong. At the end of each expose on the actress/character we explain “how things would go down” (and by down, we mean how we would seduce them and then they’d find out and either saw off our fingers, threaten to eat our soul, or roundhouse kick us to the groin)…

Jean Grey

(Famke Janssen) Xmen - A friend of mine bumped into Famke on the streets of New York a few years ago and proclaimed her to be the most beautiful woman ever. And she keeps getting better with age. The star from Xmen is 44 years old and looked as good as ever in the recently released Taken. You may have first been introduced to Famke, as I was, in the massive James Bond hit, Golden Eye where she played Xenia Onatopp. On the top indeed.

But, it wasn’t until the Xmen series that she became a mega star, and swept us away with her portrayal of the vulnerable, confused, and completely insane Jean Grey. During the series this sexy mind mover was originally torn between “nice guy” Scott Summers and the ultra masculine Wolverine, until dieing, rising again as the Dark Phoenix, and literally tearing Dr. Xavier apart.

Finally Wolverine had to choose between mankind and his love, stabbing and killing the Phoenix at the close of the final movie. The Xmen series was horrible*, however Famke Janssen made it just a little bit better.

How it would go down: Let’s just assume Wolvie/Hugh Jackman is out of the picture (because none of us can compete with that!) and we’re up against good old Scott Summers, aka Cyclops, aka wussy man. This will be easy. I would scope out where she shops for groceries (by stalking her through the bushes outside the school for mutants) and snicker when she uses her telekinesis powers to lift the broccoli from the shelf into her cart.

I know mutant women, and this one absolutely loves broccoli**.

After a night of passionate sex (yes I’m just skipping ahead to that part), Dr. Xavier would bust through the door in his wheel chair after reading my mind and the jig would be up. I would try to dive out the window butt naked. Right before hitting the ground, Jean would grab me with her powers, (thankfully actually as I was going to have to do a roll on gravel, and doing so naked, with my bits and pieces wobbling about would not be so fun), and slap me around while crying about me being a bad man.

At that moment Cyclops would bust in the room, and upon seeing Dr. Xavier just a little too aroused at the sight of me (naked) being tortured by the crying Grey (also naked), would take off his glasses and stare into a mirror***.  The same one I had Jean holding so I could see my biceps while we made love. But, is it really making love when you have to stare at your own biceps?****

Lara Croft

(Angelina Jolie) Tomb Raider – I first met Angelina Jolie on the set of Hackers, probably the greatest worst movie of all time. HACK THE PLANET! Okay, I wasn’t actually on the set, but I did watch the movie naked in my room from time-to-time (through the ages of 11 – 22), with a warm plate in my lap (simulating a circa 1995 laptop). It felt like I was actually there.

Sure, she was practically bald, but there was a good shot of her gorgeous nip naps (that’s what I call nipples, AND kittens), she was dark, mysterious, intelligent – holy shit the divine quadfecta.

Unfortunately, over the years she just got more twisted – looking more like a junkie than a bombshell, until finally snapping back to supreme sexiness all of sudden on the set of inside the actors studio:

After listening to James’ hypnotic voice (just ignore his face), skip ahead to 1:10. Do it… do it now!

… and this is why Angelina is one of the sexiest women in the world. She has supreme confidence, particularly in her own sexuality/sensuality, and isn’t afraid to show it.

[With all that said however, if I had the chance to actually meet her, I probably could not hold in the temptation to grab a sewing needle and stab her bottom lip, hoping to deflate it - in fact, I carry around a sewing needle for just this purpose. The gas that would be expelled probably smells like strawberry short cake, a mixture of rising dough and sweet berries. But, I may just have to create a balloon mockup and do it before we actually meet in order to avoid being arrested for assault. "What're you gonna do Brad?!" I'm thumping my chest as I write this.

Back to reality...]*****

Angelina brought this same confidence to the role of Lara Croft in the Tomb Raider movies. Again, although the movies were a bunch of rubbish (my inner Brit is coming out), she was able to hold her own as a very sexy woman in a position of power (money and professional prestige).

(stop concentrating on that lip comment I made before)

(look at that hip to waist ratio)

How it would go down: This one is easy. As strong and sexy as Lara/Angelina is, I would simply have to dangle an old artifact in front of her face. I would then seal up said artifact in an impenetrable case which has a locking mechanism directly linked to my physiology. In plain English…

it opens, when I orgasm.******

Because her sole mission in life is uncovering valuable treasures, she would be forced to do the nasty. Unfortunately, as soon as the medallion (because they are always fucking medallions) is in her hand, she would use her massive .45 to put a bullet in my brain. Why do each of these scenarios have to end with someone dieing? Speaking of which…

Jennifer

(Megan Fox) Jennifer’s Body – No discussion of the sexiest women we’d like to kick our ass would be complete without Ms. Megan Fox and her role in the Jennifer’s Body trailers. I say trailers, because I have to be honest and let you know, I have not seen the movie, and won’t… until it comes out on VHS. I’m old school like that.

As gorgeous as this smaller, thin lipped version of Angelina Jolie is I can’t bring myself to throwing up $12.50 to the Hollywood Mafia. My cheapness aside let’s get back to ogling Megan inappropriately (for a role I didn’t see her in).

You may have first discovered Megan Fox in the pages of Maxim, or, like I did, enjoyed her unending belly button shots in Transformers. Actually, come to think of it… I remember a belly button, but was she actually in that movie?

So why is Megan Fox so goddamned hot as Jennifer? Just take a look at the trailer:

From the opening shot of her swimming through the water, through the end of the video Megan is sexed up in every scene. And there are a lot of sexy scenes, let’s take a look:

• Naked Water Shot
• Hot skimpy pink outfit
• Inviting Boy Home
• Killing Boy
• Almost Kissing the Other Girl…
• Farting on a Cup Cake

The list goes on.

I was just talking to a friend the other day about just this thing, catching something positive. I mean, lots of us catch a cold or the Flu, but why can’t we contract a bug that makes us see with crystal clear clarity, or helps us to fly? Apparently that’s the premise of Jennifer’s Body. Jennifer has caught some sort of disease where by she must eat people to sustain her super strength. I can’t blame her, and would gladly offer up my shins should she need. In truth, Megan might be a fine actress, but the glorification of her body and face may be detracting from her real skills, and let’s face it, all of that will fade. But, while it’s still here, and while we haven’t yet switched to someone else, let’s keep looking.

How it would go down: I would simply redo my make up from Halloween (I was a vampire with too much eye liner), grab a few text books and walk the aisles of the High school Jennifer (Megan) is attending. Because Jennifer needs to feast on souls, she would surely invite me to her place. Based on the trailer, I’m not sure if she is a werewolf or a demon, but I would come prepared with silver handcuffs and a few stakes just in case.

Alice, Leeloo, Violet

(Milla Jovovich) Resident Evil – What happens when an awesome video game gets turned into a pretty kick ass movie series, with one of the hottest women in the world at it’s helm? I don’t really know – just sounded like a cool question. Of course I’m talking about Resident Evil, with it’s lead star – Milla Jovovich. But, unlike the other actresses on this list Milla is not only one of the most gorgeous women, but she also seems to pretty much ONLY play the lead role of ass kicker (although in Fifth Element she was a little vulnerable).

I don’t know if you’re as creepy as me and remember Milla from Married with Children, but here’s a clip to refresh your memory, and to remind you just how close you are to being on Dateline’s To Catch a Predator:

I loved that Christina Applegate got pushed out of the way. Sure, she was hot in Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead, but this 20 year old shitty sitcom was a metaphor for Christina and Milla’s whole lives. And a reminder that I should stop oogling 15 year olds and leave the middle school playground. [Before I get totally off topic I want to create a show called "Catching, to Catch a Predator" where I pretend to be a weird guy online chatting with younger women (no I don't do that already), but am in fact the star of a reality prank show where we try to fool Chris Hansen. Or... better yet, catch Mr. Hansen, trying to fondle children. I do have a thing against that show...]

Pedophile jokes aside, I’m in love with Milla; probably because of her massive, over-sized, specialty art eraser… Nip Naps*******. I think it was the second movie that showed Alice/Milla naked in a tank, sleeping, but with fully aroused chest antlers. She kicked all kinds of ass in all of her films.

How it would go down: This post took about 7 hours… it just would okay.

Santanico Pandemonium

(Salma Hayek) From Dusk till Dawn – Tito & Tarantula, Pythons, Skimpy Outfit, Sexy Moves, and Perfect Curves, could we ask for more. Oh wait… that’s right. Vampires! At the climax of the classic From Dusk till Dawn, Salma Hayek plays Santanico Pandemonium, a sexy stripper/vampire that ends up biting Quentin Tarantino. Even Fandango rated her as one of the sexiest Vampires of all times, so don’t just take our word for it.

How it would go down: She’s a vampire… they love sex and blood. I just have to look as good or better tasting then 90’s Tarantino.

I have this terrible urge to shove my cell phone in that cleavage.

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WARNING – THE FOLLOWING WAS CREATED LATE ONE EVENING WHEN BRENDAN AND I HAD A FEW BEERS:

Honorable Mentions:

• Estelle Getty (Mom) Stop or My Mom Will Shoot
• The Entire Cast of the Golden Girls (including Estelle Getty – we’re lifetime fans! – Getty 4 Life – I have this tattoo on my right ankle)
• Steel Magnolia – Shirley Maclane

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Footnotes

* Why Xmen sucked: Personally, I choose to believe that the end of Xmen, revealed the entire message of the series – it was a comment on domestic violence and a justification for beating women. Jean Grey represented ALL women, with their frantic unchecked emotions. Because a) she was in a position of power and b) she was torn between Wolverine (dark evil sexuality) and Cyclops (conventional man/woman power relationship) she had to die!

** I am assuming Jean would be “pre” dark phoenix in this scenario because a) she would not be eating broccoli if she was the dark phoenix, and b) she would vaporize me as soon as I started talking to her.

*** Cyclops has some kind of laser vision, looking in a mirror would blow his head off.

**** Can anyone name that reference?

***** Passages surrounded in the following brackets represent unreality, non-reality, zach’s inner monologue [ ]

****** Great idea right? Well, I am in the process of creating such a mechanism, for more details please visit – http://www.ThingsThatOpenWhenIMasturbate.com. Please be advised I am currently applying for a patent. Sorry idea stealers

******* Again, Nip Naps = Kittens and/or Nipples pay attention