I’ve always lived a very structured life. My parents were very strict and always in my business. They kept me in school, which is somewhat structured in it’s own way. I played organized sports through most of my childhood. Three months after my high graduation I enlisted in the U.S. Air Force. I married my beautiful wife, and best friend, while I was still in my military training school. So, it’s safe to say that up to this point in my life, I have always had somebody that was helping me. I could never be so ignorant to say, “…and I did it all by myself.” In fact, if you think really hard, most of you can’t say that either. Most of us have had somebody to help us out when things get rough.
However, recently, my world has been flipped upside-down. All the structure in my life has been broken down to rubble. The parents I had, that were always a staple in my upbringing, are going through one of those “for the ages” divorce’s, and it’s causing a split between the rest of the family. I separated from the Air Force a few months ago and am still looking for a job. My wife has issues with trusting me again and doesn’t look at me the same anymore, the outcome is not looking bright. I was supposed to have a house and a new career lined up but, due to my parent’s divorce, those dreams were stripped away from me. This all happened in a span of six weeks. Not only did I lose my structure, but I also lost my identity. I spent so much time and effort trying to solve the problems that arose, but I neglected my most important problem. Me.
“When you are sinking, there is no use filling up buckets, if you are not going to fix the leak.” – Ali Bubba
As these events were taking place I was constantly trying to “fix” each situation. Not all problems were caused by me or could they have been solved by me. But, because all the events involved the people I care the most about, I felt the need to at least try. These were all very life-changing events. I had a lot on my plate, too much actually.
“…filling up buckets,”
Sometimes when I tried to help my parents be civil with each other for the sake of my little sister, who still interacts with them daily, I was constantly reminded through their acts that this was not going to happen. I was going to lose that ‘unit’ in my life. And the way things are headed, it’s going to be very hard not to pick sides when it’s all said and done.
I’ve been a member of the workforce since I was a freshman in high school. Now that I have separated from the military, not only did I lose the structure and comfort of being a part of a large family, but now I must to transition into a world without having a job/purpose. I haven’t felt this before. It’s really weird getting up early, but having no job to go to. I am constantly trying to find things to occupy my time.
The house and career opportunity I had waiting for me was more than it seemed. The career was more than a job, it was my foot in the door with a great group of people and making very good money to support my growing family. The house was more than just a place to live. It was the house I grew up in. It had a comfort level about it, I felt safe in the neighborhood and looked forward to raising a family in those conditions.
I’m sure it’s not necessary to explain that having the person you love the most in the world not feel the same way about you. This pain obviously outweighed all the others combined.
“…fix the leak.”
It wasn’t until I realized that trying to fix all these problems was useless, that I was able to pull myself out of my depression. The reason why this was useless was because I had not tried to fix the, “hole in the boat.” Obviously, if you don’t fix the leak, filling up the buckets to pour the water out is just a waste of time. I’m here to confirm this.
When I dug down, I realized that the common denominator in all my problems was that I was losing that structure and that I was scared to actually feel alone in this cruel world. I’m not saying it can’t be done, people live like this all the time. But I was never forced to live like this, until now. I don’t plan on shutting everyone out of my life and just moving on. I don’t believe that’s very healthy. But if you read my last post how It’s Ok To Be Selfish, then you can see my outlook on life and realize where I’m coming from. In addition to realizing that at the end of the day you are the only one who truly has your back, you must realize that it’s necessary to be selfish and take care of yourself first. Once I realized that the break down of my structure was the root cause of my grief, I was then able to combat it by getting to a place where I’m ok with being on my own.
Be careful, sometimes the “leak” looks like it’s coming from one thing, but it’s really coming from somewhere else. I thought the problems I had were my leaks. But in reality, the leak was me. Mind, body, and soul.
“When you are sinking, there is no use filling up buckets, if you are not going to fix the leak.” – Ali Bubba
