Here at ManWhole.com, we’re not trying to tell you how to live your life, but instead pointing out simple rules.
Today brings the first installment of guy etiquette, a motto that is gaining momentum each day: Don’t be that guy.
There are plenty of examples of guys you don’t want to be and many of the basic principles can be taught in the bathroom.
If there are three urinals in the bathroom and you pick the middle one, you automatically become that guy. There is no excuse for picking the middle stall and if you do, it’s official; I simply can’t be friends with you anymore.
The guy that chooses the middle stall probably grew up kicking dogs too.
There are plenty of other examples of DBTG (Don’t be that guy) but the story I’m about to tell is really unbelievable, but trust me, it happened.
It’s time to weave a tale of a trip to the bathroom gone wrong.
WARNING MAN BUTT BELOW
Do I have to say it? Don't be that guy. Ever.
Just down the street from me there is a small Irish Pub that has live musicians and since it’s a small bar, there is plenty of time to interact with any of the performers.
After a few beers, I decide to hit the restroom, there is a small line and behind me comes the singer, an older Irish Folk singer and regular at the bar along with today’s DBTG.
Standing in the line, this interaction goes down:
DBTG: “Hey man, you sound really good up there.”
Irish Singer (IS): “Thanks a lot, appreciate the kind words.”
People come out of the bathroom, I go into the stall and the singer and DBTG go to two open urinals.
Eye contact at the urinal is unacceptable. But compared to what happens in this story, is just a mild man mistake.
DBTG: “So I’m getting married soon and the band I hired backed out on me. You have a great voice, would you…”
IS: “Hey that’s great, would you mind just waiting a few minutes and we can talk outside?”
DBTG: “I’m just saying you have a beautiful voice and I want you at my wedding.”
IS: “Ok, we can talk just give me a minute.”
Me: (laughing my ass off)
DBTG: “I’m serious…” (apparently reaching over)
IS: “Hey man, don’t ever f#$Ing touch me when I’m pissing.”
Me: (crying after laughing so hard)
DBTG: “Hey wait up, I didn’t tell you the date…”
A man massage may be ok in the NBA locker room, but not at urnials.
I go back out to the bar stand in line for a drink and the Irish singer stands behind me. So of course I start in with “Hey man you have a beautiful voice.”
He snaps, “Serisouly, there was a guy in the bathroom,”
“I know, I know, I was the guy laughing my ass off.”
“It took everything I had not to knock him out, what would possess you to touch someone when they’re pissing?”
Lesson being, Don’t Be That Guy: The Bathroom Man-Toucher.
If you have to be a guy in the bathroom, it's ok to be that guy.
