There are plenty of guy’s you don’t want to be when tailgating for a college football game.
You have the guy who pees directly into a main walkway, the guy that burns all the food on the grill, the guy that can’t throw a football but plays catch anyway and he ends up throwing the ball into a group of people getting you in trouble.
Don’t worry, there’s more. The guy for whatever reason hugs you for a greeting then ends up holding on to you a little too long, the guy that throws up, the guy that keeps yelling profanities even though there are kids within five feet, the guy that invites other guys over to your tailgate (a HUGE no-no) or the guy that roots for the other team just to be annoying.
A man hug is acceptable after a touchdown, not at a tailgate.
All of these guys are viable candidates for the tailgating DBTG (Don’t be that guy), but there is one that stands out as the premier outdoor butthole.
Now the next few paragraphs are going to appear to be gross exaggerations of what transpired but rest assured this guy exists.
Today’s DBTG is the way too into it beer pong player.
Attending the University of South Florida really means one thing, you better be ready to tailgate for some football.
Since most games are at night, to combat the intense Tampa heat, Saturdays really belong to the fans.
The latest our group arrived to tailgate would be a noon, allowing plenty of interactions with DBTGs.
For years we parked at the same tailgate spot and began to really get to know the people in the area.
But there was one group we never approached simply because of this DBTG.
They had a serious beer pong set up, a nice table with USF graphics all over it and even little holders for the cups, a nice development in beer pong technology.
Still even with a sweet set-up we wanted no part of it. Everyone else at the table was cool, but one guy was way too into the game.
He wore a beer pong glove and before playing went through an intricate pre-shot routine like Nomar Garciaparra preparing for an at bat (would show you but the MLB is lame and doesn’t allow their videos online) but just know it was really obnoxious.
Each shot was taken like it was a round of Russian roulette. That’s how intense this guy was. Before every shot he would kick one leg back, bounce on it a few times and fling it forward like a three-year-old trying to shoot on a 10 foot basketball hoop. Good times.
If you gear up for beer pong, you should reevaluate some things.
The glove was only the beginning.
Anyway, each shot was life or death for this guy. If he sank one, he reacted like Broncos coach Josh McDaniels after he beat the Patriots.
If he missed, which was often, he really sucked, he flipped out more than Hitler when he found out he had the swine flu.
That’s enough videos, sorry about that.
So every shot was like launching a game winner in the NBA Finals for this guy. But what really cracked me up, and I wish I could make this up, was his girlfriend would dab his head with a towel after each shot, like she was his corner man in a heavyweight fight.
It was unbelievable to watch and it didn’t happen just once or twice, this was every home game for years.
Even the Shamwow guy dosen't sweat a beer pong game that hard.
The best part was when her friends would say “What the hell are you doing?” she would just say something like “He really needs me.”
Ladies, please have more respect for yourself than that. No beer pong game is worth that much. These guys weren’t even gambling on the outcome, it was just for fun.
Again, this went on for years and our group just decided that DBTG had to go down. We were sick of hearing him play, sick of the glove, sick of the girlfriend. We were fed up, he was taking an L today.
We threw together a quick tournament and the winners were nominated to go to the other table and shut this guy down.
Two brothers ended up winning to represent our group and went over to face the DBTG and some other kid.
DBTG pulled out all the tactics, putting his face near the table trying to force a miss, letting out a quick yelp before each of his opponents shots and citing rule books about a ball hitting one cup and landing in another.
Really pulling out all the stops to prove he was a guy you would never want to hang out with.
When the game finally ended, DBTG took a loss, as expected and reenacted Tom Brady’s pre-game handshake with Eli Manning from Super Bowl XLII.
Ever since that loss, DBTG wouldn’t even look over in our direction and was scared to ever play us in beer pong again.
Seriously, it’s a game of beer pong, people lose all the time. I lost and wasn’t able to beat DBTG, I’m mad about that, but still carry on with my life.
As we’ve discussed, there are plenty of guys you don’t want to be at a college football tailgate.
But if you have to narrow down which one guy is the worst to be, there’s no question.
Don’t be that guy, the serious ponger.
