Kids out there, trust me growing up isn’t as much fun as you think.
All that is waiting for you is working too many hours, paying bills you don’t want to pay, especially the ones that cost too much for no reason (screw you car insurance!) having to deal with weird co-workers, having annoying people try and talk to you about stuff you don’t want to talk about (politics) and worst of all, trying to find a girl that isn’t crazy.
Anyway, there’s only a few escapes that you have to get away from it all: watching football on Sundays, college football on Saturdays, basketball from October-June, making fun of your friends and of course, watching people getting shot in movies.
A girl that's down to chill on the couch is a keeper.
Now being a huge sports guy (as evidenced by the ridiculous amount of time I spend writing about the NBA and NFL) I hate sports movies with a passion. They all have the same formula, an underdog team is thrown together, this ragtag group starts out bickering and not getting along, then a bully-type team beats them miserably.
The group bands together, overcomes the odds, makes an improbably reaches the championship and defeats the same team that trashed them in the beginning.
Blah, so that’s why I really only watch action and horror movies.
Of course, the problem is when you head out to the movie theater, you encounter plenty of DBTGs.
So many at the movies but lets take a look at some: the guy that insists the book was better than the movie (yeah right butthole) the Hollywood insider that flings around rumors about who turned down the starring role, the aspiring director that disagrees with the artistic decisions made in the film, the guy that ruins the ending for everyone.
Of course there’s a few more, the guy with the annoying ringtone that goes off during the movie, the guy that insists on using both armrests, the guy that wants to have a conversation with you during the movie even though he came to the flick by himself, the guy who yells at the screen and the guy who already has seen the movie and keeps telling you to watch this part.
But all of those DBTGs can’t hold a candle to today’s Don’t Be That Guy, the guy that points out different, insignificant flaws in the movie.
You know what I’m talking about. I was watching The Boondock Saints with a friend of mine, and during the climatic scene where four people are blasting off a stream of shots at each other, he pipes up and says, “Yeah, right, like they can shoot that many shots without reloading,” which really pissed me off.
Hold on, check this scene out:
At any point were you wondering if the guys would stop, pull out another clip (30 bullets) load it and resume fighting. Really? That would make the movie that much better?
I can’t help but just nod my head at those notions.
That is just one example, I remember watching Independance Day in the theaters and at some point the aliens were attacking Washington D.C. and then they panned over to what was happening in Los Vegas or wherever Will Smith was.
They showed the two different scenes and the president went from D.C. to Vegas in only a few hours, and someone piped up about how there was no way Air Force One could make it in less than an hour that far.
Techinically, there is no material, on Earth or anywhere else, that could produce a spaceship that big and still fly. Be realistic here. Gosh!
So during the course of a movie where aliens are invading Earth with unimaginable crafts blowing up buildings and crap with space weapons we’ve never seen before, Will Smith punching aliens in the face saying “Welcome to Earth,” Jeff Goldblum solving the whole crisis but sending a computer virus to disable the space ship…
You’re concerned about the realistic travel time for Air Force One to fly from Washington D.C. to Vegas. That movie came out in 1996 and I’m still pissed off at that guy, whenever I watch it, I just expect someone to blurt out “Yeah right, there’s no way he could make it out west in less than 3 hours,” and I want to stab them.
Only it never happens and I just have an imaginary argument in my head about nothing. See why you shouldn’t be that guy? Even 14 years after the movie came out, it still bothers me that someone is all negative about things.
While some movies stretch out way too long, there’s a group of tools out there that want to extend the running time with meaningless things like explaining how Air Force One reaches Vegas in record time or reloading guns before firing again or explaining how if you take the blue pill it can cause indigestion, or whatever the hell you’re babbling about, just remember what ManWhole.com is trying to teach you.
Don’t Be That Guy, the movie realist.
