Stop lying. I bet you wish you had a penis.
I’ve never been much of a girly-girl. Growing up, I was the little girl that rode around the block on my bike looking for the best places to make forts with my blue jean shorts and jelly shoes on. I’ve had the same best friend since I was five, and his name is Mike. As long as I can remember, I’ve been the girl who’s also been the best-buddy. Being a tomboy has never really bothered me, but over the years I have noticed how much others are bothered by my boy-friend status.
See, it was not until high school that I D-veloped if you know what I mean? I was a late bloomer, so being seen as a ‘just one of the boys’ was never difficult in my younger years. But then sophomore year of high school hit and before I knew it, I had gone from an A to a C cup. By my senior year, I had grown double D boobs. Ever since then, I wasn’t seen as just the flat-chested skinny girl that always hung out with the boys on the basketball court, but instead I had somehow earned those names that girls call each other when they are jealous of each other.
If I had a therapist (which of course I don’t), she (I mean, he, or it) might say my issues with other women were established in high school. I quickly realized that the only females that I got along with were the ones that were a lot like me. I enjoy hanging out with guys, because there is no drama! Girls are scandalous individuals, and even though I will admit that I enjoy a squeal fest from time to time when talking about Josh Harnett or David Beckham; I mostly enjoy chugging beers with the fellas while watching a hockey game on the boob-tube.
Last weekend I was hanging out with my oldest friend (Mikey), at bonfire with old classmates. It was here that we struck up a conversation that only a couple like us could: much like When Harry Met Sally before they slept together, but after the ride to college.
Anyways, I realized as the best girl friend to a few guys… I found myself getting jealous of them like girls do of each other at a nightclub. Here are some reasons that Mike & I came up with that make me envy him:
- Fellas can sleep with as many girls as they want… and will be called a pimp afterwards, while we independent sistas would be called a demeaning name for doing the same exact thing.
- Guys can burp in public… without getting a dirty look afterwards. I drink a lot of energy drinks and beer, so the bubbles that surface my delicate lips are only to negate the same noise from exiting other orifices. You should thank me for my pretty song there Grandma in the Perkins booth behind me, not roll your eyes at me. Didn’t your mother ever teach you any manners?!
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Perfect example of a scrub getting with a hottie.
Pimps can roll outta bed, throw on a pair of wrinkly camo-shorts that were lying on their bedroom floor, and a T-shirt with a fish displayed on the back, and can still leave a bar with a hot coed from the local university bar.
- Bros can yell obscenities at each other and throw a punch or two when they get out of line… and will still be cool afterwards. Have you ever watched “Mean Girls” with Lindsay Lohan, (come on, just admit it… you know you have! Even if just to watch her breasts bounce up and down during that dance scene) when those lionesses fight over the king of the jungle, claws come out and those pussies start throwing out some ugly names that would tame any tiger.
- The ultimate reason for my penis envy… GUYS CAN PEE STANDING UP! While we were at this before mentioned bonfire, I watched all the guys walk five feet from the crowd, turn their backs to us, and relieve their much needed lizards. I on the other hand had to go deep into the woods so that I could squat and balancing my drunken bare ass from peeing on my tennis shoes.
Now, these are all excellent examples of why a girl with double D breasts wouldn’t think more than a second to burning her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder in order to partake in the art of male bonding (which I hear is code named the “circle jerk”). So my best dangles, next time you get jealous because you can’t shake your ass next to your best bromance buddy on a dance floor like two slutty sorority sisters at Ybor City, just take this list into consideration. Those girls will most likely go home to a house full of menstruating crazies, and you will be going home to a smelly condo with an Xbox 360, cold pizza and natty light. Let the good times roll!
