Few movies have the ability to weave themselves in and out of everyday life better than the cult classic Half Baked.
The premise is simple, a young, soon to be megastar Dave Chappelle and two of his friends have to bail out their friend Kenny after inadvertently killing a police officer, a diabetic horse.
The best part of the movie is the ability to tune in at anytime and not really miss anything.
Released in 1998, there really hasn’t been a movie quite like it since, two stars about to reach the peak of their comedic careers (Chappelle and Jim Bruer) and a well put together cast to round out the project.
With so many memorable quotes and funny scenes, let’s recast the movie with some of the most prominent figures in sports today.
Replacing Dave Chappelle as Thurgood Jenkins is…Chad Ochocinco
The movie solidified Chappelle as a genius and later paved the way for Chappelle’s Show, arguably the greatest television show ever made. Following the success of his sketch comedy show in the early part of the decade, Chappelle quickly faded away from the spotlight, something Ochocinco is dealing with now.
The outspoken receiver on the Cincinnati Bengals was arguably the premier pass catcher in the NFL. From 2003-07, Ochocinco posted season averages of 92 receptions, 1,370 yards and 8.4 touchdowns.
Last year as quarterback Carson Palmer went down with an injury, the Bengals struggled to a 4-11-1 record, their worst record since 2002, Ochocinco’s second year in the league.
Although the team was without its franchise quarterback, Ochocinco was expected to help lead the Bengals to the playoffs. Posting 53 catches, 540 yards and 4 touchdowns, his antics became a distraction and few believe he can return to be an elite receiver.
Season defining quote: I’m sorry for yelling, but I’m serious. We got start being more responsible and focus, let’s be sharp.
Through three games, Ochocinco has 14 catches, 234 yards and a touchdown. Along with the return of Palmer and a somewhat toned down receiver, the Bengals have already defeated the defending champion Pittsburgh Steelers and appear to be legitimate playoff threats.
Replacing Guillermo Diaz as Scarface is … Ozzie Guillen
Diaz hit the peak of his career as perhaps the funniest character in the entire movie. He’s had reoccurring roles Chappelle’s Show and Weeds along with guest appearances in a slew of other shows but hasn’t landed a major role like the one he played in Half Baked.
The same could be said for Guillen, after winning the World Series in 2005, the outspoken manager for the Chicago White Sox has been more known for his explosive tempers and inadvertently hilarious press conferences.
Guillen has the ability to make someone laugh and feel uncomfortable at the same time. His strained relationship with the Chicago media and the disappointing finish to the 2009 season may result in his firing.
Season defining quote: F#uck you, f#uck you, f#ck you, you’re cool and f#ck you I’m out.
Would anyone really be surprised if this is exactly how his press conference went after the White Sox announced they’d be going in a different direction with the ball club? Not me.
Replacing Jim Breuer as Brian is …Luke Walton.
Jim Breuer has a strong fan base, achieved moderate success as a stand-up comedian and spent four seasons (1995-98) on Saturday Night Live, but it feels as if his potential wasn’t fulfilled.
The same can be said for Luke Walton, who came to the Los Angeles Lakers as the Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant feud was in its final season.
For the next three seasons, Walton, by default, became Bryant’s second banana but never lived up to the hype surrounding him coming out of college.
Walton took a reduced role on the team when the Lakers acquired Trevor Ariza and Pau Gasol. Although he did win a championship last season, Walton averaged just 17 minutes per game and five points.
Season defining quote: Don’t worry, don’t worry. I’m not going to do what everyone thinks I’m going to do and flip out man. All I wanna know is who’s coming with me? Who’s coming man, who’s coming with me?
Los Angeles made perhaps the biggest acquisition of the summer bringing in Ron Artest to help Bryant on the defensive end. The move may keep Walton on the bench even more than last season, and bring an end to his time in a Laker uniform. And if he does flip out, Artest will be there to check him.
Replacing Harland Williams as Kenny Davis is … Cliff Lee
Following his role as a kindergarten teacher that went to prison for killing a police horse, Williams appeared in standup comedy specials and minor roles in television shows and movies but never had the same success he achieved in Half Baked.
Lee won the American League Cy Young Award in 2008 after a 22-3 season with a 2.54 ERA, really coming out of nowhere, the previous season he was 5-8 with a 6.29 ERA.
At the start of the 2009 season, it appeared Lee’s success had run its course, with a 7-9 record and the Cleveland Indians struggling, the left-handed pitcher became a target for the Indians rebuilding process.
Season defining quote: You gotta do something, there’s this guy Nasty Nate that’s after my cocktail fruit and everyone likes fresh fish. Then the squirrel master came out of left field and told me I’m his bitch. Help.
Cleveland obliged, sending the struggling Lee to the Philadelphia Phillies, where he turned his fortunes around compiling a 7-4 record with a 3.39 ERA and helping Philadelphia in its hope to repeat as World Series champions.
Replacing Clarence Williams III as Sampson Simpson is … Isiah Thomas
In the movie, Sampson was on top of the world, controlling the drug trade in New York City and employing an army of women to protect and cater to all of his needs.
Then Jenkins and his friends started dealing marijuana and cut into a chunk of his profits, leading to his eventual downfall and arrest.
Isiah Thomas retired from basketball as arguably the best point guard to ever play the game. His destruction of the Toronto Raptors, the CBA, Indiana Pacers and the New York Knicks as a coach and general manager has made him one of the most vilified figures in all of sports.
The errant decisions he made just in New York are so numerous (the botched draft picks, insane free agent signings, horrifying draft day decisions and the sex scandal just to name a few) led many to believe he had some dirt on James Dolan, Chairman of the Board of Cablevision Systems Incorporated (parent company of the Madison Square Garden corporation) and his employer.
Following a tumultuous six year career as the Knicks President of Basketball Operations and head coaching stint, Thomas was finally fired and signed on at Florida International University to become head coach.
Season defining quote: Here’s what’s going to happen. You make about $40-$50,000 a week … well I want half. $20,000 a week or you’re dead. Do you understand?
When Dolan finally fired Thomas, the conversation had to go exactly like the quote above.
The expectations are low for FIU, following five consecutive losing seasons; Thomas is the biggest draw for the school. When introduced at his press conference, Thomas stated he was going to donate his entire salary back to the school following his first year. How else could he afford not to get paid for a year? Perhaps proving he did have some dirt on Dolan (a story for another day).
Replacing Dave Chappelle as Sir Smokes A Lot is … Brandon Marshall
Sir Smokes a Lot was a rap star with tons of trouble behind the scenes.
Is there anyone better for this role than Marshall? The immensely talented receiver has so much trouble staying on the field (DUI and domestic violence charges) and immediately butted heads with new coach Josh McDaniels, demanding a trade and holding out of training camp before opening the year.
Season defining quote: Get away from me biatch.
If Marshall can avoid ending up in handcuffs as well as he does corner backs, there’s little doubt he has the talent to return to the Pro Bowl. With just 12 receptions, one touchdown and 128 yards, Marshall needs to make nice with new quarterback Kyle Orton and help prove the Denver Broncos are the elite team in the AFC West.
Replacing Tommy Chong as the Squirrel Master is … Hubie Brown
Chong was part of the famous Cheech & Chong duo, and his inclusion in this movie was a no-brainer.
Brown established some street cred winning 50 games with the Memphis Grizzlies in 2003 and is one of the best basketball color commentators going.
Season defining quote: Chill Nasty Nate, he’s my bitch. If anybody’s going to stab him, it’s going to be me. You got a problem with that?
With Brown wearing a headset and commentating on the games, he really doesn’t need to define his season, but let’s have him breakdown his biggest jail rival: Nasty Nate Mortonson.
Brown: Alright, you’re Nasty Nate. Now according to the prison calendar in the movie where Kenny is scribbling over his banana hammock screaming “Naughty Jungle of Love” it says he’s in there for murder, armed robbery and forced entry.
There’s nothing between him and the fresh fish but me. Now I’m a little crazy about fresh fish too, but there’s only 11 days left on my sentence? What do you do, if you’re Nasty Nate, I say to make a strong move inside and get that fresh fish.
Replacing Rick Demas as “Nasty” Nate Mortonson is … Kimbo Slice
Is there any more intriguing development than Kimbo Slice joining the Ultimate Fighter?
Following his disappointing knockout at the hands of Seth Petruzelli, Slice made his UFC debut and fell to Roy “Big Country” Nelson, who knocked out Slice in the second round. Even though he was defeated, Slice may night be done with the show as there are rumors another competitor suffered and injury and resulting in an opening for the internet sensation.
Is there any way I’d say that to his face? No, in fact I’m rooting for Kimbo all the way, and absolutely believe he would be the greatest actor of all time if he were able to portray Nasty Nate in this fictional remake.
Season defining quote: You better watch your back fish, the squirrel master a’int going to be there for you all the time. Cause next time I come for you, I’m going to want some cocktail, fruit!
Back to the prison calendar, thanks to the magic of HDTV, all the writing on the calendar was finally clear, we touched on Nasty Nate serving time for murder, armed robbery and forced entry, but here’s what the rest says: “ Now serving consecutive life sentences and would love to do time with you.”
Anyway, if Kimbo Slice remains on the program and earns his way into the UFC, he instantly becomes one of the biggest stars in all of sports. If not, he’s just an internet celebrity that’s run his course, there is no single person with more on the line over the next few months than Slice. For future reference, Kimbo Slice will now be known as Mr. August, Nasty Nate’s inaugural prison calendar month.
Replacing Steven Wright as The Guy on the Couch is … Adam Morrison
Morrison has to be the biggest bust in recent NBA draft history. Selected third overall by the Charlotte Bobcats in 2006, the former Gonzaga had a decent rookie year then tore his ACL prior to his sophomore campaign.
After a disappointing comeback last season, Morrison was dealt to the Lakers where he became the 12th guy on the bench providing less impact on the court than Jack Nicholson.
Season defining quote: What day is it? (Saturday) Is it January? (No man, it’s August) Oh, wow, August.
Now we know who’s coming with Luke Walton away from the Lakers this season.
