Six weeks into the NFL season and there is already a clear disparity between the leagues haves and the have-nots.
The Colts and Saints look like they are destined to meet in Super Bowl XLIV, which would be one of the most entertaining games ever, while the Buccaneers and Rams will duke it out for the first selection in the 2010 NFL Draft.
For the other 30 teams that don’t have Peyton Manning or Drew Brees, the question really is which quarterback will show up?
So many teams have had their guy under center turn in head scratching performances. JaMarcus Russell and Derek Anderson have been epically bad.
Brett Favre has already thrown 12 touchdowns and has his Minnesota Vikings (feels weird typing that) averaging 31.5 points per game.
Mark Sanchez looked like a lock for Rookie of the Year, then he threw five interceptions in an overtime loss to Buffalo.
Miami lost Chad Pennington for the year, a moved that looked devastating, but Ronnie Brown is running the Wildcat formation to perfection and Chad Henne has filled in well to keep the Dolphins playoff hopes alive.
Tampa and Cleveland have already benched their opening day starters while struggling teams like the Raiders, Titans, Redskins and Panthers should strongly consider making a switch under center.
For the rest of the league strong quarterback play will lead them to the playoffs (obviously) but what is not so obvious is how some teams on the fringe of the post season employ players with similar characteristics to the epic movie Napoleon Dynamite.
That’s right ManWhole fans; it’s time for another re-casting, this time switching the lineup from the 2004 comedy. We take players with similar personalities, some quotes from the film, mash them together and produce playoff predictions.
That’s how we roll.
Replacing John Heder as Napoleon Dynamite is … Eli Manning
Throughout his career, Manning has been full of contradictions. Prior to this season, critics blasted him for being to lackadaisical, just going through the motions of the game.
Then during the 2007 season, he caught fire at the right time and led the Giants to one of the most improbable Super Bowl championships, winning three playoff games on the road and then knocking off an undefeated Patriots team in Super Bowl XLII.
This season he has made Steve Smith replace Carolina’s Steve Smith as the best receiver named Steve Smith in the game, turned Mario Manningham and Hakeem Nicks into studs, both in fantasy football and on the field.
(I wrote Steve Smith three times in under 15 words, personal record there)
His team cruised to a 5-0 record, and ruined the Cowboys opening game in their new stadium but in New York’s first real test, last week against the Saints, underachieved.
Manning even argued with running back Ahmad Bradshaw about placement on the field, drawing criticism for calling out a teammate, contrary to his detached performance earlier in his career.
Eli learned how to smooth talk the ladies from Napolean Dynamite.
Season defining quote: Sorry I’m late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.
Giants will finish the season 12-4 and capture the division title. Making the playoffs simply isn’t enough, New York is looking to avenge it’s horrible defeat at the hands of the Eagles last season.
Speaking of Philadelphia…
Replacing Efren Ramirez as Pedro is … Donavan McNabb
10 years into his career, McNabb is still seeking acceptance from Philadelphia fans.
Leading his team to four consecutive NFC Championships and one Super Bowl appearance will definitely not be his legacy with the Eagles.
Being booed by fans when his name was announced on draft day, feuding with wide receiver Terrell Owens, always being injured throughout the season and throwing up in the huddle when his team was driving in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl is how he will be remembered.
McNabb’s legacy boils down to leaving chunky soup in his pants while not coming through on game winning drives.
Every season the Eagles start out strong, then suffer an inexcusable defeat and lose any legitimacy. The worst of these types of performances came in the 2008 season as Philly tied the pathetic Cincinnati Bengals.
Following the contest, McNabb said he didn’t know NFL games could end in a tie, cementing his place in Philadelphia disdain.
Season defining quote: Vote for me and all of your wildest dreams will come true.
This season “that loss” came against the Raiders, an absolute pathetic team. Now everyone is questioning if the Eagles can recover. Their defense is too talented and the rest of the NFC isn’t that tough. Eagles finish 10-6 and clinch a wild card berth.
Replacing Trevor Snarr as Don is …Tom Brady
You might not remember Don, but he is the douchy boyfriend of Summer, the girl running against Pedro for class president.
Everyone knows the story behind Tom Brady, the terrific quarterback with a super model wife and has won three Super Bowls and is one of the best quarterbacks ever.
Doesn’t that sound exactly like a douchy boyfriend of a hot girl from high school?
Brady is coming back from a knee injury and everyone was questioning if he was fully recovered and if the Patriots can become contenders again.
What does he do? Brady fires five touchdowns as the Patriots slaughter the Sacrificial Lambs, I mean the Tennessee Titans.
Season defining quote: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer? (Napoleon I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!) Did you shoot any?
Ok, Don really doesn’t say much in the movie, I just wanted an excuse to call Tom Brady a douche. Anyway, the Patriots are for real (obvious again) but the Patriots aren’t among the elite teams in the conference. New England will win 11 games but get bounced in the playoffs by the Colts in the second round.
Don’t you see Brady making a phone call like that? Here’s how I see it going down: Hey Trent Edwards you win any games this year? (Trent: I told you we beat the Bucs and the Jets. We almost beat you guys too, gosh) Yeah, but you didn’t.
Replacing John Gries as Uncle Rico is …. Tony Romo
Finally people are starting to see that Tony Romo is a chump.
But the real honest answer is Romo isn’t a chump, his career really just makes absolutely no sense. He is a good quarterback and has shown flashes of being a great quarterback.
If he ever puts everything together, Romo has the talent to be one of the top-five quarterbacks in the game.
For some reason, he can’t just play a complete game and silence the critics.
Season defining quote: Back in ‘82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile. (Kip: Are you serious?) Dead Serious.
There is no way this line wasn’t used when he was picking up Jessica Simpson. Anyway, the Cowboys are in real trouble. Wade Phillips is an awful coach and they’ll win nothing with him. Dallas finishes 7-9 and outside the playoff picture.
Replacing Aaron Ruell as Kip is … Kyle Orton
Seriously, what is going on in Denver? How did the change of scenery make Orton into a good quarterback?
The Broncos have Brandon Marshall emerging as one of the premier receivers in the game and enough talent on special teams to claw their way to any victory. Lady Luck is a Denver fan this year and the Broncos will be squeaking out more victories this year.
Season defining quote: Let go of me! I think you’re bruising my neck meat!
That’s all Orton was saying when he was in Chicago. Now that he’s in Denver, there’s no pressure, he’s playing in the worst division in football and he has destiny on his side. Broncos finish 11-5 and host a playoff game this year.
Replacing Diedrich Bader as Rex is … Jay Cutler
Did anyone really think the Bears were getting the raw end of the deal for Orton?
Not only is Cutler struggling this season, the offense as a whole has been difficult to watch.
Last season’s fantasy darling, running back Matt Forte, has been terrible this year, only one touchdown and 294 yards in five games this year.
Chicago looked like an elite team in the NFC but poor coaching and injuries have really taken a toll on the team.
Season defining quote: Take a look at what I’m wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I’m wearing these bad boys? Forgettaboutit.
Is there any doubt that’s exactly what Cutler said the first time he put on a Bears jersey? Cutler thought he was bad-ass by forcing his way out of Denver and into Chicago. Is it NFL Law that playing quarterback for Bears makes you instantly begin to play like crap? Anyway, Chicago will continue to disappoint, back their way into the playoffs with a 9-7 record but get bounced early.
