It’s the week of my brother’s wedding, so that means us guys have spent a lot of time at the local bar.
We all know about those annoying people at the bar but let’s get a little more specific. Today we’re going to examine when a drink order directly relates to somebody’s manhood.
For a little more info I texted one of my best friends, David, a bartender in Tampa, asking him the five lamest drinks a guy can order.
It seemed like before I hit the send button, he responded to me these five, with a brief explanation why you can‘t order them as a guy:
1. Cosmopolitan- a cocktail made with vodka, Cointreau or Triple Sec, cranberry juice, and fresh-squeezed lime juice or sweetened lime juice.
David: “You can order this, just know that you’re probably going to be going home with a guy that night.”
So, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if you’re not gay and you order this drink, just be prepared to have your manhole plugged. (notice there is no “w” in that manhole.)
2. Flirtini- a wine cocktail containing vodka, champagne and pineapple juice.
David: “Oh, yeah, guys have definitely ordered this. I had to make four for a guy once and he was telling me how tipsy he got because of them.”
That video had the weirdest music I’ve ever heard. It was like the music from Sonic the Hedgehog mixed with the lamest techno of all time.
Couple of things, I had to call him back because of this text to confirm all these drinks have in fact been ordered by guys. If you’re a guy and you say the words “I’ll have a flirtini,” you can just turn in your testicles at your earliest convenience. You won’t be needing them for anything anytime soon.
And if you tell your friends that you went out to the bar and got tipsy on four flirtinis and they still talk to you, then you have the most loyal friends of all time.
3. Beefeater with a twist- Beefeater is a type of gin and the twist means they want lime in it too.
David: “No joke, people have ordered this and they specifically say Beefeater when ordering it.”
Here I thought Smirnoff Ice and wine coolers were bad. If you’re the guy at the bar yelling about beefeaters and not making fun of someone, then I can’t hang out with you.
4. Bud Light Lime
We don’t even need David to explain why a guy can’t order this drink. You’re pretty much announcing, “Hey I like fruit, don’t really like beer, but I’m going to try and muscle it down anyway.”
Even Budweiser knows they messed up by making this crap.
5. Shot of Goldschlager
David: “You remember in Super Bad, they had to get this bottle for the girl. She even says how girly of a drink it is in the movie and guys come in and still order it. Our DJ on Thursday’s orders it all the time, so I give him crap.”
If you order a shot that has glitter in it, I don’t even have to make fun of you, let’s just end this story, I’m ashamed for guys everywhere.
Any more to add? Leave them in the comments section, otherwise that’s a pretty thorough list, so please don’t embarrass yourself, just order a Bud and move on.
-3 to go- (Click here to see why we are keeping count.)
