What’s the real definition? Maybe Mr. Right is a funny guy. Maybe he is a good dancer. Maybe he can do the thing with the cherry stem. (speaking of, seriously who cares if you can tie a knot with your tongue? Is that really supposed to be sexy? I don’t get it. Unless you think it’s a calming thought knowing that if she loses both her arms in a horrible boating accident that you won’t have to help her tie her shoes every morning, then I just don’t think it’s important. Just sayin’.)

 Now it’s obvious, because we all want different things in life, that every woman’s idea of Mr. Right will be different. But let’s look at some of the main points that I’m sure most women would appreciate.

 First, would probably be trusting. There’s nothing worse than knowing your significant other is going out to meet a group of friends and not being 100% that they are going to make the best decisions. This doesn’t have to be infidelity issues, it could be simply safety issues. Having trust in them that they won’t bring home “the gift that keeps on giving”, or trusting that you won’t be awaken at 4:30 in the morning to bail them out of the slammer is a good thing. Seriously, if I get a call in the early morning that you need bail money you’re going to have to wait. I don’t get much sleep to begin with so you’re not going to get me out of bed once I’m in it.

 But here’s the catch-22. If you know that the man you are with has had these issues in the past then you’re never going to completely trust him. You will always be thinking, “I wonder what that asshole is doing now. Probably talking to some whore.” So now you get worried and text him 10 times every hour to make sure he knows you still exsist and that you’ll chop his balls off if he cheats on you. Who wants to deal with that? But if he hasn’t given you a reason to distrust him, the word “yet” always finds it’s way to end of every sentence. So now either way you look at it you are never completely sure that he is being faithful. This is usually when you go crazy and follow him downtown to the bar to spy on him. You hide in the corner and just wait for him to slip up. Meanwhile, you’re ordering drink after drink, getting hammer, and get to the point where you can’t even see straight to realize that he has already left. Then you go crazy and go home, pace your apartment, and dream up a senerio that will lead to a blow-up where you pull a knife on him and try to cut his face. But your too drunk so you miss, trip, fall on the blade, and blame him for the whole thing. I’m just saying, it could happen.

Oh, my bad homie, there he is.

Maybe Mr. Right is a guy whom you can just sit with at home, with a cool cup, and watch television. But then what if you don’t like the same TV programs. He wants to find out if Tiger Woods learned how to hit a golf ball, again. You want to watch some rich whore complain about the new Bentley that she really wants, but has no money to buy it because her husband keep the accounts frozen because she is actually just a money-hungry gold-diggin’ biatch. Or they want to complain about their husbands that are never home, and how they are probably cheating on them. And that ironically adds to your insecurities. But let’s be fair and assume you agree on a channel to watch. “We don’t even have to talk all the time. I just want him to sit and cuddle with me,” you might say.

I say, bullshit.

Because if you’re sitting watching TV, and a commercial comes on with a really hot chick showcasing a new panty line from Victoria’s Secret, what’s the first thing that pops into your head? “That bastard better not be thinking about her. He better just have his eyes closed.” In fact, some of you are even bold enough to put us in the most awkward postion when you say, “Do you think she’s attractive?” This is when the Earth comes to a dead-stop because we know either way we are screwed. Saying yes means, to you, that given the chance we would drop you like a bad habit and go for the supermodel. (dirty little secret: if you truly believe we would, then there’s probably a good reason why, and in most cases your probably right.) If we say no, then you either think we are lying or you follow it up by asking, “What don’t you like about her?” This is the point were we, as men, say we have to take a dump because we need to remove ourselves from the situation as soon as possible because our answer somehow directly relates to you and the way you look.

 ”I just want somebody to take care of me,” is a big one. Here’s the problem ladies, there is not a single human being in the solar system that can completely take care of you, because without fail at some point, you are all freaking crazy. Hot and cold. Up and down. In and out.

 Dealing with you women is like traveling through a life-size maze. It’s fun and excited at first, but eventually we hit a dead-end and just look up at the sky and wonder what the hell happened.

 So there is no such thing as Mr. Right because you have no idea who he is. So, stop comparing us to this figment of your imagination and it will make everybody’s life easier. Accept us for the beer-guzzlin’ booby-watchin’ speed-lovin’ sports-followin’ butt cheek-grabbin’ video game-playin’ money-hungry mother f@#kers we truly are, and get over yourself.

 P.S. After proofreading this post, I’m sure I destroyed my chances of having a girlfriend ever again. But hey, somebody had to say it.

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OK, some women are just crazy. But this crazy might be worth it.

Let us all agree right here and now that women are strange, emotional beings capable of many complex, yet wonderful, insights and ideas. As a member of the opposite sex I know how women work, mmhm, half of the time at least. The occasional Sheila does surprise me here and there but for the most part we all tend to think a certain way. That being said, I want to talk today about something that is often spat upon in the sexual world by my female counterparts… The Quickie.

Let’s say you start a sexual relationship with a sweet piece of lady. At first, she’s down with the whole quickie motion because it’s fun and new, and often comes in the interim between your 3-5 hour love fests that most couples have when they become intimate. If you haven’t given your lady a love fest you suck. Ladies, if you haven’t received love fests within the first 3 months RED FLAG! Anyway, let me get back on topic here.  Things seem wonderful, you’re humping like a couple of bunnies in spring and that damn perma-grin just won’t go away. All is well. However, you may find that in a few short months, as the sexual relationship begins to blossom into a simple yet complex coexistence, that she’s suddenly perturbed with you and your damn quickies. Where’s the passion? Where’s the romance? What happened to the all night sex binges where you used to pleasure each other for hours, eat, and then do it all over again (i.e. the love fest)? Wtf?

The kitchen is awesome for a quickie. Just mind the sharp objects and slick floors.

Now we have a real problem on our hands, gents. It can’t ALL be butterflies and love fests… this ain’t the damn 60s. Life happens, right? You’re both busy and tired and stressed out. .. totally understandable. Now I’m going to generalize here so if you’re pissy and want to take offense go ahead, but GENERALLY, women tie sex to emotion and men tie sex in with a physical need.

Sooooo, yes you’re tired and busy but you’re little man still wants some lovin’. Your lady loves your lovin’s but quickies signal to her inner emotional self that the romance is gone, passion is gone, and I will tell you this unless you know what you’re doing with quickies you are tickling her resentment button. If you only have sex to fill your physical need and ignore her emotional need it will come up and bite you in the balls. I promise this. I also promise that every little thing you do that also tickles her resentment button (leaving the toilet seat up, wearing the same shirt three days in a row, going out with your friends) will be magnified a million times because now you’re not pleasing her in bed… by that I mean you’re not feeding her emotional Cerberus (link to http://www.pantheon.org/articles/c/cerberus.html). You are placing yourself in the very famous man category that is titled ‘selfish’.

This is why you need to master the art of the quickie my friends. Quickies can be fun as hell and fulfill both your needs very easily.

So how do I do this you ask? Well, I’ll tell you…

We all love a good spanking.

1. Prepare if you dare. Yes, quickies often aren’t planned out but I thought I’d share this little secret with you. If you want to take a slight measure to solidify your chances of gettin’ some later, do something very simple. Call her at work or while she’s out and talk dirty to her. Inside every women is a dirty little girl who likes to be spanked and teased. Try this one out and I promise that very same evening you’ll get what you want whether it be a quickie, a love fest, or something in between. Some main things to remember: stroke her ego, boost her confidence, and rev up her sexiness. Let her know what turns you on, that you’re thinking of her, and that you want her. All simple stuff, guys.

2. Be passionate in your execution. Passionate can range anywhere from giving her the ‘she’s in trouble look’, to physically grabbing her in a primal manner. It all boils down to dominance (be careful because there is a fine line between dominance and controlling which I’ll talk about in another post). It is our instinct as women to want to be dominated. Not all the time, but when it comes to quickies if you’re the one instigating it you better be prepared to do the work. If you’re just sitting on the couch and reach over to put her hand on your hard-on I’ll smack the crap out of you. That is NOT a turn on (do it at a restaurant or in a movie theater and we’ll talk). Taking what you want is a turn on and lights the flame of passion. Doing passionate things like reaching over to where she’s sitting, grabbing a fist full of her hair (from the base of the neck, please and thank you) and bringing her toward you to kiss her passionately is hot as hell. Also, reaching down her pants or up her skirt is a FUNtastic way to get her started. You want your actions to say “I want your body and I can’t go another second without it.” Passionate. Dominant. All while centering it around her. Got it?

Stay away from the bedroom!

3. Positioning is everything. If you listen to nothing else I say, please just perk up for this one…  KEEP OUT OF THE BEDROOM!!! Quickies are a turn on because of the spontaneity of it. Use that to your advantage. If you want a quickie that’ll please her nothing says “I’ll die if I don’t have you now” like pulling her inside a hallway and sexing her against the wall. Your physical positioning here is everything. Use your surroundings to get things started. If it escalates to a bedroom romping then you’ve passed the quickie stage right up. Look for fun things like the kitchen counter, over the backside of the couch, living room floor or wherever… use your imagination cuz I knows ya gots one. If you choose to do it in a public place then you’re using your imagination and are on your way to mastering the art of the quickie… just be careful and don’t get caught with your pants down!

4. Attempt getting her off. Most of the time women take a little while to build momentum… often that passes the 15 minutes or so allotted for a Quickie. Just give it a good attempt. If she blows then kudos and you’re somewhat of a god. If she doesn’t, you tried, she liked it and you both had fun! I may get crucified for saying this but women don’t always need to orgasm to take extreme pleasure from a sexual encounter. If she’s met on an emotional level you may just get away with not getting her off… but best make up for it later with a good tongue lashing. Did I redeem myself with that last comment ladies?

5. Have fun! Quickies are supposed to be spontaneous bursts of passion. Enjoy each other, be safe, and get some good lovin’.

Hopefully by outlining the ways to become a quickie master I avoided having to explain where guys go wrong with quickies, but just in case I’ll point out something very simple. Quickies are often taken by women as a selfish act if their needs aren’t being met.So be a good boy and do as I say. No need to thank me.

Always here to help you get it on… try it and let me know how it went!

For more sex advice from a woman’s perspective check out www.happyhumper.com

Seriously, if you wake up next to her, do both yourselves a favor and end her life.

As men we have lots of questions. What time does the game start? What is taking the pizza guy so long? How much beer is left in the fridge? Who is this chick and why is she in my bed? Does the “best if used by” date on the mayo jar have the same meaning as an expiration date? (If so, Bucky Chini is in for a world of pain.) Does this outfit make me look fat? OK, well maybe not the last one. But most questions are answered for us in a timely fashion. Somebody always knows the time of tip-off/kick-off/first-pitch/face-off. Once the pizza finally shows up we could care less what took him so long. Even if there is only one bottle of beer left, we can almost always get more right away. And it doesn’t matter who’s under the sheets as long as she has some teeth. (Thanks Obie.) Unless she is hideous, then the question is, would I be wrong to wake her immediately and fake a fire in my building to scare her out of the house and simply lock the door behind her? (Answer: not one bit) Not that I’m saying I’ve done that or anything. Enough rambling. But guys know there are questions that may never be answered. Until now.

• How can I get her to give me blow-jobs everyday?
• Should I send her a picture of my dang-a-lang?
• Is it rude to ask her to shave her fun-zone before we do it again?
• What is the Funky Monkey, and how do we do it?

These are questions that more than likely can’t, and won’t, be answered by us. That’s why we are proud to announce that we’ve brought in some back-up. We would like to introduce you to our sister-website, HappyHumper.com

This is a very informative website designed to answer all those questions, from a female perspective. It’s like asking your girl why she won’t slob on your knob without actually having to ask her. The lovely, and quite raunchy ladies of HappyHumper.com are chomping at the bit to answer these questions. If you have any questions for them, please visit their website by clicking here. If you would rather just read their hilarious content and learn something in the process, you are in luck because their are two ways to fulfill that want. You can keep tabs on their website (bookmark that shit son!) and you can stay tuned, right here, on your favorite ManWhole because our sassy sisters will be providing content for us on a regular basis.

Without further adu, The Humpettes.

- Lady Love

A little humorous, a tad romantic, and always ready give it to you straight up, this little Lady is the co-creator of HappyHumper.com and extremely pleased to be apart of our mission to globalize male sex education…

“To my readers,
I was inspired to create this site out of my own experiences with sex and relationships. Some of them good, most of the bad, and of course a few that were just plain ugly… but all were for a reason! Successful sexual relationships are very basic to maintain and I hope by reading sex education from a women’s perspective, it’ll give you that advantage you may need to have a safe, healthy, and scrumptious sex life! And be sure that after you read this site you partake in some damn fine Happy Humping ”

- Ms. Zombie

Sweet on the eyes and so very sassy, this little Ms. isn’t as innocent as she looks…

“Do you like to be watched? Does the idea of food play or popping balloons get you going? What about those porno’s you love so much but are so hard to find? Taboos fascinate me. I never can get enough of learning what makes people tick and even more so what weird things get people off. What I really, really like though is helping people to open up to new ideas, trying new things, and incorporating that special someone into it. I joined up with HappyHumper.com to give you guys the upper hand in enjoying your kink. Whether that be getting your girlfriend or boyfriend into anal, your thinking of getting a subincision, or you wanna know about toys… I got you covered. So don’t be scared, enjoy that golden shower! Start up your cock rings! Get ready to enjoy that strap on and ask away boys! THE Ms. Zombie is in!”

- Madam Cougalicious

Ripe and ready to let ya have it, this Cougalicious babe will be anything but bland, we promise…

“Hello Boys!!! The teacher is in. I say it how it is and don’t sugar coat anything. I’ve got all the views you want and need as an “experienced” woman both in age and relations. Specializing in healthy relationship advise and the “what not to-s” of it all. Don’t get me wrong, I like it all but with time have learned the value of mastering the basics. After all, you need a solid foundation to build on. So let’s focus on the prize and get to humping.”

These hot tameles are just waiting for your feedback. So please, don’t keep them waiting.

Sun is a beautiful Korean women, with a very prestigious family. Jin, it is revealed, is initially a simple man from a small fishing village – Sun is out of her league. But, they fall madly in love. Jin approaches Sun’s father in order to get his permission to marry, he gives his approval, and they wed. This got me thinking…

Wrong Romance

Too often I think mainstream pop culture teaches us the wrong messages about human relationships. And at the top of the list are romantic relationships. The dynamic between men and women is almost nothing like the books, television shows, and movies I watch. I should know, having little guidance and no examples in this area until recently, I used mainstream movies as a guide on how to behave.

Maybe it started with the romantic period in literature which saw the birth of the idea of romantic love – this mysterious energy between two people  - and from then on couples have been choosing each other (as opposed to preordained marriages). Now, don’t get me wrong, I’d like to believe that love is real, I know I’ve felt it before and still do, hell it is real, but it’s not exactly like the books and movies will have you believe.

Anyway, the message communicated about love and romance is wrong. It’s very formulaic, but unfortunately it never works out. Here it is –

guy meets girl, guy falls for girl, guy courts girl, and girl loves guy… forever.

I always had the sense that this formula was bullshit, but was never able to see outside of it, and frankly I didn’t have the experience to know what any different.

Real Relationships

For an idea of what I’ve come to learn women and relationships are really like take a look at the book “The Awakening.” It’s an oldie but a goodie.

Now, I’m not trying to say that all women are the same, and maybe I’ve had a limited view of life and women to start (I certainly haven’t had the 12,000+ women Warren Beatty had), but I will say that women are restless (as we all are), but particularly when it comes to relationships. They always have to be moving, loving, growing, leaving, there always has to be movement. In the case of The Awakening, the main character, Edna, is stuck, not moving, tending to her family, when a number of circumstances, not the least of which a strange transient man, comes into her life and reminds her of all of her personal goals and dreams.

My Own Personal Formula for Success With Women

Find Yourself (mission, goals, etc.), Find Each Other (the apple of your eye finds you to be the apple of yours), Woman Courts You, You Decide, Both Create and Work on Love, Don’t Get too Attached

It sounds like it sucks, but I truly believe this is the best way to live your life, and ultimately you AND your future woman/women will thank you.

What We Can Learn From Borat

Borat was a transformative movie for me. I learned what plastic fists were REALLY used for (thanks dad) and laughed my ass off. But, in re-watching it the other night I realized there was some wisdom in the drunk ranting of the lunatics on the RV who invited Borat in to watch the Pamela Anderson sex tape.

After Borat realizes that his beloved Pamela  is not a virgin Borat breaks down crying. His new found friends give him some advice including “Don’t ever let a woman define you.” Ignoring the other misogynist crap spewing from their mouths, this is a very good point.

I see a majority of guys define themselves through their woman or the responsibilities having a woman put them through. For example, I am defined in whole or in part, by my relationship with my partner. Or, I am able to feel better about myself because I am a good man – in the context of the relationship (take care of money concerns, are caring, etc.). But, is this attractive? This always put them above you. You can’t live your life this way, particularly as a guy. It might be hard to accept (this is how I lived my life up until this point) but you must change this in order to have success.

They are not the same and if you base the relationship on this you will fail miserable and be left wondering where it all went.

What is Attraction?

When a woman is attracted to you, no matter what her age or circumstance it is an experience. She will do things for you, put up with anything (and I mean anything), and conventional romance or courting will be thrown out the window. To most women attraction is what they mean when they say love… but it is not. Attraction is passion, want, desire… lust. For some women, this burning is too much to handle. If they are in another relationship they will throw EVERYTHING out the window because of this feeling.

What Most Guys Do – You Aren’t Doing These Are You?

Most guys end up courting the woman they want, treating her like a princess, or worse yet, an exchange system, taking them out to dinner, to movies, doing THINGS in exchange for THINGS (sex, affection, connection, etc.). To some extent this can work, a connection will be made, a bond formed, but don’t ever mistake this for attraction.

Where do You Fall?

Here’s a small hierarchy of where most of us guys fall on the attraction scale:

• Super Attraction – Aka fuckable, the object of a female’s desire
• Relationship Material – Everything’s right, you’re “nice”, do and say the right things…
• Friend – No attraction, NOT relationship material
• Nothing (creeper) – An acquaintance or worse… a weirdo (you’re not weird, but this is how women view you)

Moving down is easy, although you don’t want to move too fast or dip too low. If “she” is attracted to you, being eligible for a relationship is very easy, and then as time progresses becoming a friend is easy too (maybe a perfect relationship has all 3?). But, if you dip too low, or she losses that attraction… WATCH OUT! Unfortunately, moving up the scale is very hard – once you’ve been put into a slot. So figure out where you are and then where you want to be… if they aren’t one in the same, get the fuck out. The only way to change (I’ve found, is get away).

How Do You Create Attraction?

Well, first of all know that all is not lost, that even IF a woman isn’t attracted to you, or you have a longterm girlfriend who isn’t any more, you can still spark attraction in her and make her want you again, like never before. Unfortunately, I am not the best resource on this. For that I highly recommend checking out David DeAngelo, a dating guru who helps guys like us realize and fix our mistakes. If nothing else sign up for his email alerts as they contain a wealth of information.

Did I stutter? I said stare at a wall. “She doesn’t like the idea?” Well, you’re supposed to be a man, and call the shots. Now… go plop a chair down, preferably inches away from a bare wall, (leg room is nice, but not necessary) and start watching. Extra points if it’s a all perpendicular to hardwood floors, and you only have one chair. And you’re sitting in it when you invite your lady into the room.

This is especially helpful on a first date. Simply explain, this is how you “evaluate your future wife“, because “marriage is a lot like us staring at this wall – painfully boring, but we will be experiencing it together“. I used quotes in that previous sentence as that is exactly what you need to say. Don’t falter, stammer, or laugh. I am being dead serious.

Go on to explain (and this is a big one), “…if you can’t handle this, then you can’t be my wife“.

Staring starts at an early age.

This shows a few things.

First, you’re realistic, you understand that married life will be boring, that sex will be rare, and ANY escape from your rotten children – even staring at a wall that you wish you could bash your skull into – is better than being alone.

Second, it shows you aren’t afraid of commitment. By being upfront, that you are looking for someone to share the rest of your life with – right now! – this lets her know that you aren’t clingy or desperate, simply looking for “something more.” This communicates (in woman speak) your supreme value and she will instantly fall in love with you and your bare ass wall.

Third, it shows you’re in tune with the universe. If you can stare at a wall for 3 hours, in broad daylight no less, you are either mentally retarded, or have elevated your consciousness to a higher level.

Did I mention you should insist that both of you drape yourselves in cheese cloth?

2) Be Masturbating When She Arrives

This one is a little more complicated, but sure to land you a second date and sex (or at the very least an attempted restraining order – more on that later). You hit it off with your first encounter with your chica… you met at a bar, at a coffee shop, at the library, or a martial arts dojo (don’t diss it until you’ve tried it), but you want to spice things up for your real first date.

Here’s what I recommend:

Tell her you have some ideas for a date, “this or that“, just make something up, but say ultimately, “I want to surprise you. So come on over to my place, and we’ll leave for ‘the surprise’. That way I won’t have to be waiting around for you…” You see what we just did there? we prepped her for the surprise, illustrated that we’re mysterious (she’s wondering just WHAT you have in store) and you’re laying down the law… the man law. You and your penis will NOT wait for her.

Next prep your home or condo by putting on a spooky halloween mood music CD. Although many women claim they “hate scary movies” this is a lie. They especially love the mood music. Let’s face it, it really does makes any situation scarier.

And your surprise involves scaring them.

15 – 20 minutes before they arrive squirt a handful of ketchup into your fist and smear the door frame with a bloody hand mark. Additionally, make sure your door is cracked open just a little bit, that way, when they knock, like every good episode of Law and Order, their pounding fists will slightly push the door ajar allowing them to better hear the spooky music inside – sparking a reaction in their pre-frontal cortex – preparing them for sex (see this involves science so you know it’s got to be right).

A guy that can sew is cooler than wrecked UPS trucks any day of the week.

Make sure your computer is setup so that everyone that walks through your front door can see your computer monitor. Also make sure that you are visible while sitting. In front of the monitor. Exact position is up to you. I prefer to have my back to the door. Next get a stuffed animal (and/or afgan blanket) and a sewing kit. Put on the craziest porn you can find, and full screen it. Turn up the music so it’s just slightly softer than the Halloween mood music.

In the next few minutes make sure to be feverishly sewing the shit out of the stuffed animal or blanket. From behind it will look like masturbating. When she opens the door, her mind will quickly connect the dots, the fake blood hand smear, the dark foreboding music, the pornography and screams of sex, and from behind your sewing will look like masturbating. As she fearfully asks you “what are you doing” (her eyes moving quickly between you, the monitor, and “blood”) you’ll quickly spin around to reveal you’re “only sewing.”

She’ll either jump in your lap hot, wet, and ready, or run away screaming and attempt to file a restraining order (if this should happen… remember she CAME TO YOUR DOOR).

3) The Tampon Castle

This one is a little complicated, expensive, and will take some time, but once you’ve cast this spell she’ll have no choice but to marry you and cater to your every need for every waking moment of the rest of your lives (I say waking, because we can’t control their dreams).

After a few dates you know if it’s getting serious or not. And, if you want to continue, I highly recommend the following. Call her up on Monday or Tuesday and make plans for the two of you to “go to the beach on Saturday.” ”I’ll have a bottle of wine, some snacks (or if you’re really brave say “hor dourves”) and a little surprise for you… my pumpkin schnickle.” Substitute whatever pet name you’ve given her of course (if you haven’t given each other pet names I highly recommend pumpkin schnickle).

Now get to work…

Buy the wine, heat the hor dourves, and purchase a few dozen boxes of tampons. Go to the beach a few days before the event and create what can only be described as a sand castle, except instead of sand, use tampons. Make it large, construct it in the shape of her favorite animal or pet hospital, be creative. Do this at night, as you don’t want other fellows to stumble upon your idea and either a) use it for their own dates, or 2) steal the idea entirely. Once complete make sure to cover the whole thing in a powerful horse glue, cover with a tarp (for protection against wind and other elements) and finally cover the whole thing in crime scene tape.

Guys and tampons always make a great combo for everyone to enjoy.

Go on your date as planned, setup shop right next to the big mountain of love, cover her eyes and remove the tarp.

This communicates a few things… first you have patience, and can keep secrets. Sure you wanted to tell her you built a castle out of tampons, but you didn’t – you had enough foresight and self control to abstain. Second, it shows that you are efficient and “get” women. You’re not afraid to go all out, purchase tampons, and understand that women bleed monthly down below.

Good luck my friends.

4) Cry Non-Stop

This isn’t a whole date idea as much as a tool to use on a date.

Disclaimer, this should NOT be used on a second or non-first dates as if there is a bond created it will not work as well.

Want to know why Dawson got all the ladies? Dawson can cry like a mofo.

On to the technique/date idea. Simply put… cry non stop. If you don’t have the ability to well up your eyes at will, squirt some hot sauce in your eyes (keep a packet in your pocket) or cut onions like there’s no tomorrow in your apartment. There is nothing more sexy than a man who not only can cry… but CAN’T STOP CRYING… the world is beautifully tragic and you love every minute of it, but can’t comprehend the depths of your emotions.

5) Take The Kids Out

This one is pretty long term, with a lot of prep, but once you’ve gone through the motions of setting it up, you’ll be able to easily repeat.

Step #1

First, join big brothers big sisters. It’s a great organization doing meaningful work. If you’re reading manwhole, you’ll be a great candidate for a big brother or big sister and mentor. Pat yourself on the back.

Next, develop a deep, meaningful relationship with your lil’ bro, or lil’ sis, primarily structured around your unique sense of humor (or is it my sense of humor…). They will have to be able to get a joke, or at the very least, keep a secret, although I’m not sure you’ll want to phrase the next steps to them that way.

Step #2

With kid step done, find a woman (make sure you are NOT with your kid when you find her). We’re looking for women that care about kids, but really any woman will do.

Step #3

Appear really normal on your first date. Again, no children at this point, just you and her. Try one of the other date ideas on this list, or just get a cup of coffee to “make sure she’s not crazy.” It’s low key nothing too fancy (like bass fishing). The goal of this date is to make her want more… which you’ll definitely be giving her.

Step #4

Buy a wheelchair (you’ll see why in a moment).

Hanging with kids in wheelchairs is cool.

Step #5

Park date! Yup… it’s time for the big day take your lil’ bro and new woman to the park. Don’t explain anything, why you have a kid in tow, why you’re verbally berating them, or why “you never mentioned him before.” Again keep the mystery element going. Nothing is more attractive to a woman than a guy with a kid… especially one in a wheel chair that popped up out of nowhere. (The next few actions work best in a park with hills, but if you don’t have one no big deal).

An hour or so into the date have the kid say something to the affect of “My lips are parched I desperately need water, why do you always forget to water me!”

“Not another fucking tantrum,” you reply! “I wish your fucking legs worked so you could get your own damned water! I release you into His arms…”

At that precise moment - preferably done at the top of a hill – shove the child’s wheel chair as hard as possible away from the two of you (giving you some very needed alone time). It will come to a crashing halt at the bottom, the wheels of the chair hitting a rock and the child spilling out from it faceplanting the ground. Run over apologizing, crying (see last date idea) and pick him or her up. At this point he/she will force ably push you away screaming… “Father you saved my legs! I can walk.”

To recap here’s why this is great:

• You care for kids
• You know when to lay down the law and set boundaries
• And… you have super powers (can make a previously paralyzed child walk)
• You’re goal oriented (look at how much preparation this took…)

Here’s how you can tell…

Wait, think about why are you here in the first place?

I mean both the literal here (sitting on your couch at 1am, a little drunk, surfing the web and reading a post on a website with a name that seems oddly gay), as well as the figurative here, in this situation, this predicament, unhappy.

If you’re looking at this article, maybe you found us on Google by doing a search for “should I break up with my girlfriend” or “should I leave my wife” something is ALREADY WRONG. That’s the shitty part. The good part is, you did some searches, you are reading, and you are on your way to becoming a man of action. By simply searching for a solution to whatever problem you personally are having in your relationship you are ahead of 95% of men out there, good for you (that was an arbitrary % by the way).

So the big thing to remember is that you think, you believe, that something is wrong. Something or someone is not meeting your expectations.

Look at You First

Not too long ago I went out with some new acquaintances (ladies) for some drinks and a hockey game. We started at a bar locally and then carpooled from the bar to the local hockey rink. Not too long after the end of the game I decided it was time for me to go home and was driven back to my car by ANOTHER lady I had met that evening (not the original people I came with). Unfortunately, I forgot I had left my keys in the original car we pooled in. Fuck! I called the original people frantically trying to figure out when they would all be arriving back at the cars so I could pick up my keys. It took about 10 minutes, but they came, I got my keys and left.

At first I was fucking furious. They were pretty much all totally wasted and it was too late on a work night for me. But, I thought for a minute and realized it was my fault (despite some of the crazy drunken lady drama I had to deal with). I forgot my key, that wasn’t their fault, and they had a right to do whatever they wanted.

Moral of the story is look at you first. This can be a HUGE challenge in your everyday life, and can be even harder when you’re angry or upset. Has the situation you are going through been exacerbated by your actions or your REACTIONS? Is all her nagging really well intentioned? Does she just want you to be a responsible man and get a job (she deserves a man with a job!)?

What Are You Getting Out of the Relationship?

You get what you give, but if you’ve been giving, you better be getting, or you’re going to want to kick some ass.

I went through a period of asking myself whether or not what I was doing was right.

“Should I really be in this relationship?” I asked myself. My latest girlfriend, who I was madly in love with and still care for deeply, was cutting me down at every turn. Since we had taken a break and I had the opportunity to date I knew a lot of the things she was doing/saying was bullshit.

My story might be a little different than yours, but basically I added everything up in my head, the pros and the cons, the good and the bad, and moved forward using this information. Personally, I was getting nothing out of the relationship, no moral support, friendship, sex, etc. (not necessarily in order of importance) but giving everything, so the conclusion was easy – but the decision and action weren’t so easy.

Your situation might be different, chronicling the good and the bad may lead to a realization that you are being stupid, and just need to cool down.

Are You Only in it Because You’re Doing the Right Thing?

As I said above, I personally was dealing with your very situation not too long ago. I asked myself, “Should I really be in this relationship?” When the pros and cons were added, it was clear I shouldn’t. But, I had one more hurdle to confront. The woman I was with was going through a lot, and it was the right thing to stick by her side, and help her through her problems… I thought.

I’ve done this, and many of my friends seem to do this. Sticking to a relationship because you made a promise to someone and you’re trying to keep it. If you are doing this, keeping your word, it is a great thing, but in these kinds of situations we could learn a lot from our counter parts with vaginas (see that… I’m saying we’re equals) keep your word, if it makes sense, and you are in a quality relationship, but if yours is on a steady decline, your needs aren’t being met, etc. something has to change.

END OF STORY

Obviously there are scenarios that aren’t going to be so cut and dry – ie if your lady is injured in a car accident and is in a coma for a very long time. Personally I can only take so much dry humping and I like my women to scream.

I have no idea how to specifically address this question… I can’t figure everything out, okay.

Is She Attracted to You?

This is the biggest one of them all – saved for last – and the biggest “fuck you” in the whole lot. Sure up until now we’ve looked at ourselves, analyzed her bitchy demeanor, and addressed whether or not we’re trying to be too knightly (doing the right thing), but is she attracted to you?

Here’s the caveat, attraction IS NOT THE SAME AS “LIKING.” Attraction is that pain in the gut that makes you yearn for your lover, it’s the word that defines the desire to want to be with a person every waking moment, tear their clothes of as soon as you see them and go to town.

Signs she isn’t attracted to you:

• Increased trips with friends (without you – where you used to come along)
• Decreased sex
• Increase in number of fights

Not every woman or circumstance will be the same, but I know if you are willing to really look at yourself and the situation you’ll be able to tell if she’s attracted to you or not. This happened to me. My girlfriend and I fit, we got along, but after a few years she just wasn’t attracted to me any more. It hurt like hell, but I ended the relationship.

Conclusion

In conclusion… just kidding, thought I would take you back to high school real quick.

I thought I would quote myself – I recently told this to a friend who made the decision to cut it off:

I was just where you’re at not too long ago. You made the right choice. Don’t get caught up in thoughts like “why wasn’t I good enough” and just remember the timing was wrong, it was wrong, the universe was wrong, etc. you made the right decision. Remember your unhappiness. Don’t beat yourself up down the road. If you really did try you did more than most of the [guys] I know. Take pride in the fact that you’re doing something to make your life better.

And, all may not be lost, their feelings may change, your feelings may change and making the move first and taking responsibility for your own life and happiness is infinitely more attractive than having her make the decision for you .

Here are some things that Steve points out to look for when you trying to see if that girl is really interested in you.

1) The Pupils – Pupils dilate or constrict depending your state of mind. This is one thing that us humans really don’t have control over. Mostly because we don’t even notice that we are doing anything. It’s just natural. When humans are aroused, their pupils will dilate. In layman’s terms, this means that the black part of the eye gets larger. This is the same effect from trying to adjust to the dark. So watching her pupils, specifically dilating or constricting, is a very helpful tool. From topic to topic, watch her pupils. If they dilate, keep going. If her pupils seem to contract, then change subjects because this conversation is not helping you. If her pupils are constantly constricted then you should move on, because it’s probably not your conversations that is turning her off. It’s probably you. Beware, if you are in a low-lit area because her pupils might be dilated simply because it’s too dark. Keep this in mind because catching the wrong signals could end like this.

2) Her eyes are talking too – Contrary to popular belief, and FOX TV visionaries, you can not always tell if people are lying just by where they are looking when they speak to you. But you can get a general idea of what they are thinking. Here are some things to look for when you conversing with the ladies.

1. If she’s looking up, and to her left – This is referred to as Visual Construction (VC). This shows that she is providing information from her imagination, and is possibly making it up.
2. If she’s looking up, and to her right – This is labeled as Visual Remembering (VR). This is done when she is trying to access a memory in her head and trying to picture it. She’s usually not making up stories while looking this way.
3. If she’s keeping eye level, looking to her left – Auditory Construction (AC) is done when they are trying to construct a sound in her mind. This is a fictional sound that has not been verified yet.
4. If she’s keeping eye level, looking to her right – Auditory Remembering (AR) is shown when she is trying to remember a sound that she has heard before.
5. If she’s looking down, and to her left – This is labeled as Kinesthetic (K). She may look this way when she is accessing her actual feelings about a topic.
6. If she’s looking down, and to her right – This is called Auditory Digital (AD), and is the direction she may be looking if she is talking to herself. In her head she may be asking herself a question about you, or the topic at hand.

These are obviously just general rules and doesn’t apply to every situation. But it is a good guide to use to help you in most situations. If you can get a feel for who you are talking to, you can make sound decisions on how to capitalize, or avoid, certain situations.

shrewish, nagging (continually complaining or faultfinding) “a shrewish wife”; “nagging parents”

Now, negativity aside, nagging, and the challenges women present us with are one of the biggest ways us guys grow. With that in mind here are the 5 reasons women nag:

5. They’re Assholes

Now, this isn’t a comprehensive list (not EVERY nag occurs for all 5 reasons), but sometimes the woman you’re with can turn out to be an asshole, a bitch, a jerk, insecure, and simply needs to hate (other people… including YOU… especially YOU) to make themselves feel better.

4. She No Longer Likes You

Sometimes it’s hard to swallow, but  your relationship fades, dies, and your woman is no longer attracted to you. If your woman is nagging all the time, at meaningless bullshit, she wants out (but may not have the confidence to break away).  She simply nags because inside she wants you to break it off with her.

3. Needs Communicating

Nagging, in certain situations can be examined as your woman’s communication of her wants/needs. Sometimes, as I’m sure you’re also familiar, it can be challenging to outright ask directly for some things. Not all people communicate the same way, or were raised with the same communication styles, so nagging can be a way for people to communicate their needs.

2. No Good Reason (relating to you)

There is an adage about fights have 90% to do with other stuff, things, events, problems outside your control, and 10% relating to what is happening right now. This can be the case with nagging as well. Sometimes, as I’m sure you do too, your woman/girlfriend/wife, just has a bad day, or is going through problems and experiences that trickle over into other aspects of your relationship.

1. They Want You To Be a Better Man

Nagging, when taken at face value may sometimes seem insane. An old girlfriend freaked out once when I didn’t offer some guests to our place something to drink. I didn’t know what was going on. It just didn’t make sense. But, when looked at from another perspective I needed to a) work on my social skills and b) be more observant of others’ needs and feelings. As David Deida suggests in his fantastic book “The Superior Man” don’t take nagging at face value, listen to this “advice” like you would listen to an oracle.

These are the best 5 reasons I could think of on why women nag. Although, by definition nagging has a negative connotation, I hope I’ve illustrated that it’s not always a bad thing.  And it is our job to interpret which category, or categories, the nagging falls into and adjust our relationship accordingly.

If you have any comments or suggestions please comment below.

If you know anything about pickup artists, you’ve probably heard of Neil Strauss, aka Style.

If you’ve ever read any of the rock reviews in the New York Times, rock star bios and books, you have probably read Neil’s work.

Neil’s been in my life for nearly a decade; I read his work many years ago – and I didn’t even know it! “The Long Hard Road Out of Hell,” Marilyn Manson’s autobiography, was written by Sir Strauss in 2001.

But it wasn’t until a recent lonely night that I stumbled upon his book “The Game” in a Barnes and Noble, and I really get to know Neil.

Back Story

There I was, in the self-help and sexuality aisle, trying to look creepy, sipping my chai tea half crap whip choco mocha cappuccino, wearing nothing but my flower patterned boxers and some flip flops, learning some new sex positions when I saw it… THE GAME (okay for the sake of full disclosure, I was drinking green tea, I had clothes on and was looking at a book on spirituality).

THE GAME stood out. Neil and his publishers are great marketers; this stark black book with a leather-like rippled texture, just bursts out at you from the shelves. On the cover lay the outline of a naked woman stylized like a truck’s mud flap. I purchased it and read it immediately.

The Game

The Game is less a pick up guide and more a story. It is the story of lonely little Neil, the talented, well written, poorly groomed author who was fed up and horny and decided to do something about his lack of experience with women. Within a few years he goes from dud to stud. Neil transforms his life, his looks, his ability to communicate and goes from having no success with women, to being crowned one of the greatest pick up artists of all time… Style. It is a fascinating read and although there are some tips on dating and creating attraction, I found its true message underscores what ANY of us can accomplish if we truly make something a priority.

This single book, this one chance glance and purchase, grew into everything you’re reading here today. It started with The Game, continued with some other Pick Up Books, stuff on NLP, mutated to body language, then relationships in general, then physical and physiological differences between men and women, and finally a realization that there was very little on or offline information for guys on life (and definitely not a unified resource) on growing up, on being “Men.”

And ManWhole was born – thanks Neil.

But… The Game is not really a guide to picking up women or dating.

The Rules of the Game Contest

It’s almost Christmas, and as the holiday’s approach, it would be nice to curl up next to someone, drink your spiked EggNog, and listen to your Dean Martin Christmas jams. And, just beyond Christmas’ lonely cries (or whatever holiday(s) you celebrate) there is New Years. And we all know what New Year’s is about…  making changes (click for inspirational music).

So we’d like to offer you a holiday gift, and hopefully help change you for the better – and if nothing else go on a little journey with you. We’ll be offering up 2 copies of Neil Strauss’ latest book “Rules of the Game” a true 30 day guide to mastering the art of women (yes, they’re like MS paint). Simply fill out the form below and we’ll enter you into a random drawing to receive the book. The only thing we ask is that you keep us posted on your progress and we’ll help draft a review post after your 30 days are up. You’ll start January 1, 2010 and we’ll see just how far you get back February 1, 2010.

Please only submit if you are truly serious about participating in the daily exercises in the book and are willing to be interviewed at the end of the 30 days. Submissions must be received by December 10^th, 2009.

[contact-form 2 "Rules of the Game"]